I’ve not been so great at this blogging thing have I?  For that I can only apologise and say that I will try, this year, to be a better blogger.

Sometimes you have to say goodbye.  Sometimes it’s as easy as saying ‘See ya!’ and at other times you have to be pulled away so violently that you physically feel like your insides are dying.  But each time you say goodbye, in whatever way it is, it hurts a little.  Whether it is that tiny ache because you have to be away from someone when you’d rather be with them for a little while longer, or if it’s that hollow feeling when realising that you’re never again going to experience the feelings they brought to your life.

2009 was a really crap year for me.  Don’t get me wrong, a lot of good things happened, like finishing uni and going on a mini holiday with my best friend.  But the year began with me being forced to say goodbye.  And as 2010 approaches the date that I had to say goodbye, I find myself beginning to experience sadness and anger and impromptu crying.  It’s not good when you’re watching something funny and then you begin to cry like a baby.  No.  Clearly something is wrong.

I’d like to say I’ve grown to be able to rationalise death.  Yes, that sounds like such a stupid concept, but I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and if I sit and question it over and over then I’ll never get anywhere.  Mature, right?  Then why is it that I still cry like a baby?
Heart.  Not the physical heart, but the heart that everyone links into emotions and feelings.  You can be logical about things all you like, you can tell yourself that something is beyond your control, you can use the ‘power of positive thinking’ to force yourself to turn your life around, but as soon as you let your heart get into the equation you’re screwed.  But I think about it and I realise that I would rather be ruled by my heart than my mind.  I’ve never been a very logical person, I run from logic like a mouse runs from a cat, I hate the idea of it.  Maybe this means I’ll experience heart-wrenching pain at times like this but I would rather feel the pain than clinically compartmentalise it.

My mind is rather confused at the moment.  I guess sadness does that to you.  I find myself leaving her notes on her facebook randomly at times.  Of course I know that she can’t read them, but it’s a strange sort of therapy.  I can’t speak to her but I can leave notes on something that belonged to her.  I find myself watching movies that remind me of her as a strange sort of remembrance.  In a way I feel closer to her when something is making me remember her.  In the end that’s all we are, memories to people.  Once we’re gone all that remains are the memories of us and the impact of our actions.

This year I’m going to do good things.  This year is going to be my year, and I plan on doing it not just for myself but for those I’ve lost.  This year I’m going to say ’see ya’ and not ‘goodbye’.

A rather depressing first entry but it can be nice to just write stream of consciousness thoughts at times.  Next time I’ll edit what I write, but today you get what my feelings create.